Beyond Happily Ever After by FairyPrincess98
http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/FairyPrincess98/
Reviewer: m_girl07 @ AAC
Title: 5/5
-I think it’s a great title and you made a great point. We all know there’s a happily ever after but does it just end there? Your title is very intriguing and I’d click on it if I saw it in a list.=)
Forewords: 9/10
-You outline the main characters and tell readers a little about them which is great! You also sum up the main point of your fanfic but I think some of the stuff you put in your first chapter should be in the forwards. Maybe move this paragraph to the forewords:
No one really looks beyond the “happily ever after” endings of fairytales, mainly because that’s what they are: endings. No one questions that of course the prince and his princess live the rest of their lives in bliss, or that they’d ever be apart because of the hardships they endure to be together. Everyone wants to believe in the happily ever after, so they close the book once the happy ending is achieved, content with that limited knowledge. (Chapter 1)
This is only a suggestion but I thought that paragraph was beautifully written and it blew me away!
Plot: 19/20
-I love how you started from the ending of another storyline and kind of continued it. You told readers what happened in the past and built up the climax (Siwon coming home late and being distant), and before we found out why, you drop the bomb! Which I think is great because it makes them (and me=p) want to know what the reason was so we have to keep reading!=D
Originality: 3/5
-Like I said, I loved how you did a “story-after-a-story” fanfic but I’ve seen and read a few where the protagonist loses their memory and they’re trying to regain it back. You still give it your own little twist so it’s not particularly cliché (overdone).
Grammar/Spelling/Transitions: 13/15
-I know you said you want to work on improving your grammar but you’ve got a great start! Your sentence structure and wording of things is pretty good! I’ll point out a few things that I noticed so that you’re aware of them in the future but I think if you just edit it a bit/read it over before you post, you should be fine!=)
Use of commas:
“For the most part of my days, I’m covered in flour, so I don’t think anyone would know if I’m attractive or not, to tell you the truth.” (Chapter 1)
-For this sentence, you don’t actually need any of the commas you put it except for the first one. By putting a comma, your letting people pause and it kind of separates the ideas but not being attractive and being covered in flour relate to each other so don’t separate them.
“…being gently led by the arm, into the bakery, looking slightly disheveled.” (Chapter 1)
-You also put too many here. You can remove the first comma because she is being led into the bakery by the arm so both points are related. And dishevelled is spelled with two “l’s”.=)
Spelling/Repeated Words:
“…only son of the one of the country’s wealthiest businessman?” (Chapter 1)
-You added an extra ‘the’ in front of ‘one. You also have to change “man” to “men” because you said he is one of the wealthiest meaning there are others so it’s plural.
““Thank you,” he was all he said.” (Chapter 6)
-You can remove the first ‘he’.
Flow (speed of the story): 10/10
-I think the flow of the story was perfect. Nothing was too rushed and it didn’t drag on like some. You introduced obstacles in Siwon and Hei-Ryung’s journey midway after readers were comfortable.^^
Choice of words/Idiom/quotes: 9/10
-Like I said about chapter one and your forewords, you write beautifully! Everything was smooth and you chose words that suited the situations. You don’t know how many times readers use the wrong words and ruin the mood. Just something to look out for though, I don’t think it was intentional but there might have been a typo for some:
“All my worries from the last several days were now coming to a head.” (Chapter 2)
-head = halt?
“It took awhile, but I was finally able to bring us back to sure, dragging poor Siwon to the dry sand.” (Chapter 7)
-sure = shore?
Details/Settings/Characterization: 14/15
-You give the right amount of details and the settings. One of my favourites was when you were describing Siwon’s house when Hei-Ryung was going to the sun room, just perfect=)! For the characterization, you tell us their backgrounds and where they come from but I think you should show more of what they’re actually like; you know, their personalities.
Enjoyable?: 10/10
-I enjoyed it very much and I’ll actually be following up on your story so don’t be surprised if you see me in the comments page! I love your writing style and I think the way you developed everything was at a nice pace. Kudos to you!
Over All Score: 92/100
Reviewer’s Note: Wow, that’s the highest mark I’ve given out so far but I think you deserved it! Your story really is amazing; just look out for the little grammar mistakes and you’ll be fine! Any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! I hope I didn’t offend you in any way or write too much but I’ve been I’m a sucker for details=p.
