Title : A Twist In Our Story
Link : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/goong_twist/
Status : Completed
Reviewer : SueWey @ Artsy Asian [ http://artsyasiancrew.blogspot.com/ ]
Title 2/5
First of all, your title isn’t catchy enough in a reader’s eyes. I wouldn’t probably click your fiction if I were in Winglin if I wasn’t a reviewer. Second, the title doesn’t really matches with your fiction. I did not see any twist in the story other than the kidnapping but I’ll comment on that later. I understand that it is not easy thinking up of a title for your fiction cause I have problems with it as well, but please do try to think whether it is catchy enough to grab reader’s attention and whether does it matches with the story.
Forewords 4/10
I’ve never watch the Korean drama “Goong” before but I would not judge from there.
However, forewords are where your readers will decide whether to stay on to read your story or leave. Although the story may turn out cliché, typical and so on, I still expect a proper foreword with a short paragraph or text about the story or introduction to the story.
I’m those kind of reviewers who prefers authors to reveal out the character’s personality throughout the story instead of listing their personalities in the forewords but if you’re still going to introduce them, I prefer you to introduce both male and female, not just male characters only.
Plot 14/20
From your forewords, your story is cliché and I would admit, I’ve seen stories like this a dozen of times. Your title’s ‘A Twist In Our Story’ so I really do expected some twists in the story but I did not spot any other than the kidnapping, plus the kidnapping scene was really unexpected. I’ve never expected a kidnapper to release their prisoners just like that and later break down when the boys wouldn’t accept her love. I also expected some twists like perhaps a love triangle?
However, it’s a cute story overall.
Originality 2.5/5
I wouldn’t say that its original but nowadays, it is a little difficult to think up of a plot with original ones so I’ve decided to give you half marks since I’m pretty sure that you’ve tried hard to put up your own scenes right?
Grammar/Spelling/Transitions 11/15
I’ve spotted some spelling mistakes here and there. I understand that you do not do spell check, so I suggest using Microsoft? It spots your mistakes automatically and from there, you can correct them.
I also spotted some grammar mistakes and wrong usage of ‘their’ and ‘there’ like you’ve stated earlier. I noticed that you tend to make mistakes with your tenses. If you plan to use past tense, please stick with them from the start of your story till the end.
Also, I prefer you not to make sentences like how you wrote one in chapter 10;
- ”Err..math.. *mumble*..who needs it really? *grumble*..” She was walking down, the hallway.
Edited;
- “Err.. Math…” she mumbled. “..who needs it really..?” she walked down the hallway as she grumbled to herself.
Flow 5/10
The flow of your story at the beginning was just right but then gotten faster towards the ending.
I really did thought that it may be a slight challenge for the guys to chase the girls but turns out that the girls fall for them just like that. It feels slightly jumpy here and there. As I was reading, I remembered that Onew and JiYeon dated not long ago but suddenly Onew said that they’ve been dating for four years, I was like “heh? Four years?” *checks back if I’ve missed any info*.
Choice of words/Idiom/quotes 6/10
I did not spot any idioms or quotes throughout the story so I have nothing to say for that. However at the same time, I have to deduct marks. It would be better if you used some idioms (at least) in the story to lighten up the mood.
Your choice of words were fine and average, it’s just that you used them wrongly, such as ‘their’ and ‘there’.
Details/Settings/Characterization 12/15
I have no problem with your setting.
I deducted marks because even though your characterization was fine but to me, it seems as though everyone in the story had the same personality other than their post like Onew being the prince and JiYeon being the maid of the palace.
Also, I think that you could have put more details in to the story and describe both your characters and settings more. Sometimes background information is very important to the story.
Enjoyable? 4/10
I’m sorry to say that I did not enjoy your story much except that I find the pairings are cute. I really don’t mind cliché stories but yours didn’t really catch my attention enough.
Over All Score 60.5/100
Recommendation;
Since you said you do not do spell check and such, I’ve decided to recommend you to Season Of Mists. It’s a beta reading site where it’ll help you correct your grammar and spelling mistakes. The beta readers there will help you edit your stories and they even provide muse incase if you’ve run into writer’s block. (Psst, I work there too xD) If you’re interested, here’s the link;
http://season-of-mist.blogspot.com/
Reviewer’s Note;
I hope that this review wouldn’t discourage you but instead, help you with your next story. And hey, even though I didn’t enjoy reading it, but at least your readers so enjoy reading it and most importantly, you enjoy writing it (:
I also apologized if there’s anything I’ve said hurt your feelings. No harm feelings right? I hope that we could be friends! ^^
Oh, and I saw your Author’s Note in YG’s review, I’m not sure how you got your stories into columns but how about your write your stories in Microsoft Word? It automatically notifies you if you have any grammar or spelling mistakes and when you’re done, just copy the whole chapter and paste it into your fiction whenever you want to post them up. I hope it helps! Good luck for your next story, hwaiting!
